At McSweeney's, David Lynch's Tips for a Great Prom.

Being Named Prom King and Queen

If you are named prom king and queen, which you almost certainly will be, because it's your destiny, walk confidently to the podium. Lose yourself in the klieg lights. Don't allow your date to clean up her face after her tears of joy cause her mascara to run. In fact, use a dropper to make sure it streaks all the way down her cheeks. This is now the time to embrace her. Hold back not at all. Tear at her dress. Pet heavily. From the corner of your eye, note Mr. Rohrbauch attacking several students, many of whom are now wearing featureless plaster masks. Continue necking furiously with your date despite the principal's attempts to stop you. Also, don't be alarmed when your date, for a second there, turns into another woman you've never seen before. This is normal.